I have always been ruled by my head. I used to wonder what people meant by being ruled by their heart, for me that seemed so illogical. People have described me as being a strong, intelligent, grounded, sensible individual (they have also described me as being an awful lot of other things too, some not quite so pleasing, but that’s another blog!). I’ve always thought that I’m viewed this way because I follow my head and don’t let emotions rule. I’m sensitive to people’s feelings but logic and rationale have always led my actions.
That is until now. Now for the first time in a long time I am having a head/heart dilemma and don’t know what the right thing to do is. Last July I met scrabble friend. He emailed me through a dating site suggesting that from our profiles he thought we would get on. I thought he was too young, lived too far away and pretty much represented everything I didn’t like in people. I emailed him a cut and paste email giving him the brush off. He responded immediately saying that he would have appreciated a personal response rather than a standard email. I found his cheek appealing, it seemed we were both online at the same time, so I sent him another email and before long they were flying back and forth as we started to get to know each other. To my surprise I enjoyed his conversation, had similar views to him and when he showed me his pic I found him to be cute, if not a little young looking!
We discovered a shared love of scrabble and it wasn’t long before we were meeting up on cam and playing scrabble on a regular basis. We had a real connection of minds, I felt I knew him from the moment we started talking together and although I have struggled all my life with trusting others, I trusted him. I have no idea why I felt this way but I just knew I was safe with him.
I decided that it might be fun to spend time with someone younger, that I might not find them intimidating and so would feel more open to exploring my sexuality. I have never been body confident and this has hindered my exploration of my sexuality as I didn’t feel I deserved to enjoy this side of myself. With this in mind I met up with scrabble friend and we started to enjoy having fun together and he truly helped me develop confidence in myself with regards to my body and sex.
We both agreed that we weren’t suitable long-term companions. He wants to meet someone he can marry and have children with, this is not my future. There was a time when I hoped it would be but I have long passed that phase and now I want to find someone who can bring out my adventurous side, help me to take risks, someone who passionately adores me and who I adore back. Someone I can travel the world with, whose mind I like, who knows me and loves me anyway!
There was a blip in our relationship when scrabble friend was unexpectedly, and if you ask me totally inappropriately, asked out by a nurse while visiting the dentist. She was bright and cute and he couldn’t resist her. Not to be hard done by I found myself a fireman and for a few weeks we were otherwise occupied, but checked in with each other regularly over scrabble. When both our relationships came to an end, we started spending more time chatting on cam and playing scrabble. Inevitably we decided to meet up and of course one thing led to another and we started having a sexual relationship again. Only this time round we agreed that we should both be free to date other people and look for our long-term partner, but that we would enjoy each others company until such time as one or other of us met someone else. We are both logical rational thinkers and this seemed like the sensible approach to take.
This has been working well. We have enjoyed each others company lots; when we’ve had a bad day we get on cam and talk about it, when we’re feeling in need of some company we meet up but if that’s not possible we get on cam and spend the evenings together playing scrabble and talking. It’s not unusual to start chatting at 5pm and have to make ourselves say goodnight at 1 or 2am. I have no idea what we talk about, other than knowing we’ve talked about anything and everything and there is nothing we can’t talk about. We communicate well and are very open and honest with each other. I truly love his company and find myself choosing this over other things in life, particularly dating. I think of all the awful people I’ve been on dates with and none of them are a patch on scrabble friend. The thought of spending even a few minutes with them when I could spend that time with scrabble friend is horrifying.
It seems neither of us have done anything about dating other people and quite frankly I don’t know where would we find the time given we spend all our free time with each other! Our we in a destructive relationship? This is a question we have begun to ask ourselves. Whilst we continue with how things are the chances of either of us meeting someone else is limited. I’m also mindful that the longer we spend with each other, the more attached I will become to him and the harder it will be when he meets someone else. My head tells me that I should end this relationship because it isn’t healthy for either of us. We are becoming emotionally attached to each other.
We talked about how I was feeling and scrabble friend acknowledged similar thoughts but said he was trying to put them aside. I’m not sure what happened, I’m usually someone who has quite a good control of my emotions and rarely let them cloud my judgement. However, the moment I came to the realisation that I had to let him go I felt intolerable pain, it was unbearable and I knew that there was no way I could let him leave my life. When he too thought about what ending the relationship meant he cried and told me he wasn’t ready for that happen. We spoke about how much we adored each other, how much we loved each others company and just wanted to spend time in it. I told him I was worried that the more time he spent with me and got to know me the more he would learn about my ‘madness’! He told me that he loved who I was and nothing could change that and he wanted to know all of me. We spent hours soul searching, trying to decide the best thing to do. We even discussed losing the sexual element of the relationship so we could just be friends as the thought of having nothing was just too hard to manage. We went round in circles, our heads telling us to end and our hearts not letting us do it. Neither of us had the strength to finish it, we both enjoy it too much and have both benefited so much from having each other in our lives.
I have spent years protecting myself from pain, keeping myself safe from the possibility of abuse and have struggled to take risks. Years of therapy has helped me understand why I have done this but it has also shown me that if I continue to do it I am going to miss out on opportunities to experience all the highs and lows of life that make it rich and help us develop. I have to learn not to over-think and trust that even though I might experience difficult emotions that feel overwhelming, I will manage them and get over them, I’m stronger and more together than I give myself credit for and I need to get on and live my life. For the first time in a long time I am experiencing fluctuating emotions and feel more in touch with my emotional side.
I’m taking a risk, I am going against my head and following my heart. Scrabble friend and me, I know it isn’t forever but it is for now and I want to enjoy that while it lasts.