Is Something better than Nothing?

This is a question I’ve been asking myself over the last couple of weeks as my relationship with ‘scrabble friend’ has ended. We got to that same place we’d been in before where we realised that the whole time we were together neither of us was likely to meet someone else as we either didn’t look, or we compared everyone else to each other and they didn’t match up.

We talked about making a real effort to look for other people but I just couldn’t manage that. The thought of him telling me he’d found someone he wanted to pursue things with, and so our relationship would have to end, broke my heart; if the relationship had to end better to be now when we both cared for each other deeply than when I felt angry and bitter towards him. I think part of me wanted him to say we should give it a go and be more than friends with benefits, but I also knew that would never happen. I’m not sure if he knows it, but he has some ‘finding’ of himself to do before he gets to a place where he could make that commitment. He is still searching for someone he can settle down with and have children, I can’t offer him this, so unless he had a radical rethink it was obvious to me our relationship would never move beyond what it was. I loved what we had but wanted more. I want someone to share my life with, to come with me to see friends and family, someone who feels like my partner.

We discussed the situation, went round in circles and then realised that the most sensible thing to do was to say goodbye and cease all contact – because without that we would likely slip back to where we were. That was a couple of weeks ago and now I’m trying hard to cope with the aftermath of saying goodbye to someone who has been my best friend for a year, who I love very much and who I don’t regret one minute of the time I spent with him. He gave me a confidence I was lacking and I will always be grateful to him for that. We had a lot of fun together!

I’m in that place now where I feel like I have nothing and I wonder why I gave up what we did have. Should I have just let it continue and see what happened, isn’t something better than nothing? Maybe neither of us would meet someone else and we could have continued enjoying each others love and friendship. I know it’s unlikely and that we did what we did because it was the sensible thing to do, but sometimes being sensible sucks. I miss him loads and he was such a formidable scrabble opponent!

I’m alone again, questioning what my life is all about, whether I will ever get to a place where I feel content. I know being in a relationship isn’t the answer to all that. I see many people in relationships that don’t make them happy but they fear being on their own; I see how insecure those relationships make them and realise the longer they stay the harder it will be for them to leave. My friends tell me I’m strong for having the courage to end something that wasn’t right; I hope that’s true.

I would really like to find someone to share my life with, who is that ‘special person’ to me. I fear this won’t happen, that I’m destined to be on my own forever. I know it’s common to feel like that at the end of a relationship, the challenge is not to let myself sink so low that I go to that dark place of depression where it feels impossible to get out. I must think positively but it is hard as internet dating doesn’t seem to work for me and I don’t really meet anyone any other way. I’m trying to engage myself in activities to meet others but more importantly just to enjoy myself, but I’ve never really found that hobby that gets me excited. The more I question whether I will find anyone the more I wonder if something is better than nothing and if I shouldn’t have left things as they were because I miss my scrabble friend so much.

The Art of Giving

I have a friend who gets upset if I forget to send a card for her birthday or other significant event. I’ve explained that the fact I make the effort to come out and visit her on her birthday, celebrate the day with her, should tell her that I love her, not a card. Why is it that so much significance is put onto something designed to make the fat cats fatter?

"Oh, those foolish humans!"

I really struggle with day’s identified to celebrate certain events or concepts. It seems so fake to do things just because the day dictates we do. I much prefer to offer expressions of love to the people I care about in ways that are meaningful and come from the heart. I have always struggled buying presents because I’m expected to, rather than because I’ve seen something that I know someone will love and so I get it for them. Receiving a spontaneous gift is the most wonderfully rewarding experience both for the giver and the receiver.

So, today is Valentine’s Day, in case it had escaped anyone’s notice! As a young person the pressure to receive a card or some gesture from someone known or unknown was immense. It is a hidden pressure, a feeling that everyone else is loved, that because you haven’t received anything you are in fact unlovable. The beauty of aging is the understanding that nothing is quite as it seems and most people are riddled with the same insecurities as yourself! It is the knowledge we acquire with age that makes life easier to bear as we judge ourselves less against others and start trying to enjoy the life we have; because it could all be over tomorrow.

I know valentines is just the commercial exploitation of the sentiment of love. I don’t ever want to subscribe to it, enter into the spirit of it or waste my time and energy on it! That said, when scrabble friend sent a text saying Happy Valentines, my inner child was smiling broadly for a good few minutes!